Yes, that's how I'm going to start my post.
I'm tired. I don't want to sleep.
Why?
I'm thinking. Thinking of what? I'm wondering. Wondering about what?
Well, about how I got here. What I mean is, why I am sitting on my bed, wrapped in my yellow blanket, eyes puffy, half because I'm sleepy and half because I've been sobbing. And most importantly why my fingers find comfort in clattering on the keyboard at this insane hour.
A familiar place. I found myself at a familiar place when I was curled up under the sheets tearing away just wishing it wasn't so.
Now, now. If you think this is going to be an emo post over a boy of some sort, I can tell you that it is most definitely NOT. It is going to be an uber emo post though.
It has been a year of thinking and wondering and I have grown tired of it. Everybody has.
I remember the good ol' days where I was the most confident girl in the world. When every girl was obsessing about being skinny, I was convinced that I had the perfect figure. Fact was, I was leaning towards the chubby side. When every girl was trying to get the popular guy in school, I already knew that I had him in the grasp of my palm. So, here's the problem. Why am I scared of being alone? It just never occurred to me that this would be a problem. I mean, I have friends. And, they love me...right? I DO have enough friends, right? But even if I didn't, I'd always have family to rely on, correct? - No. Not exactly. They're all in a different country, remember silly billy? Oh. You'll be fine. Just all by yourself. - Won't I?
A familiar place. I found myself at a familiar place when I was curled up under the sheets tearing away just wishing it wasn't so.
Now, now. If you think this is going to be an emo post over a boy of some sort, I can tell you that it is most definitely NOT. It is going to be an uber emo post though.
It has been a year of thinking and wondering and I have grown tired of it. Everybody has.
I remember the good ol' days where I was the most confident girl in the world. When every girl was obsessing about being skinny, I was convinced that I had the perfect figure. Fact was, I was leaning towards the chubby side. When every girl was trying to get the popular guy in school, I already knew that I had him in the grasp of my palm. So, here's the problem. Why am I scared of being alone? It just never occurred to me that this would be a problem. I mean, I have friends. And, they love me...right? I DO have enough friends, right? But even if I didn't, I'd always have family to rely on, correct? - No. Not exactly. They're all in a different country, remember silly billy? Oh. You'll be fine. Just all by yourself. - Won't I?
Truthfully, I hate it. But I gotta be strong. I just gotta. I tried bringing it up once or twice with close friends. Felt a bit brushed off though. Maybe they had bigger issues. Mine's just not that big of a deal in comparison. *Maybe I am being oversensitive* I tried bringing it up with the boyfriend once, twice or more. Brushed off? I call it, brushed off in a nice way. It was more like, "You don't have that bad" or "There are people who have it worse" and the one I hate the most, "You still have me". Those are all just simply, BESIDES THE POINT! Hence, I found that it became much easier to pocket those feelings. I try to keep them in my back pocket, but some nights, I just can't help but to take them out, unfold them gently just to take a peek to see if they were still there. I want to discard of them. But I can't. I always leave small fragments lying around carelessly around the edges of my heart.
True. It isn't that big and issue. Parents moved. Sister went to study abroad. Its okay. Friends are here. Cousins are here. I have a boyfriend. Yes, I have sufficient people who love and care about me in my life. So what am I doing here, complaining like a mad woman about the ridiculously irrelevant "misery" I have in my life. Fine. I like self-pity. Don't judge. I have so many people I should thank God for. What I don't have right now, is a home. I live like a nomad. Wait. That's wrong. I am a freakin' nomad; dammit. All I want is to feel like I belong some where. When everyone retires from their social life and returns to their home, I am jealous. I am crazy-throw-a-fit kinda jealous. And that is hard to pull off. The rage, it's sometimes unbearable. But at the end of the day I realize that I had wasted a day being angry.
I'm insecure. A lot of decisions made in my life may flip at the wind of someone passing gas. *made no sense and I don't care* Every step in my life is a constant struggle because of the fear of making the wrong decision and ending up even more screwed up. I don't like cleaning up messes. Especially ones I make. For people who have seen my room, you know what I mean when I say I don't like cleaning messes. At this point, I don't know if I'll have a place to stay at the end of the month.
Sorry. When a girl needs to rant, she just has to. Plus, I felt like writing. It has been too long and my writing skills were rotting so fast it had mold on it. I have my self-pity moments and I want no judgement from this. I know writing this may cause some misunderstandings in my relationships but I just needed to get it off my chest so I might as well tell the entire world like a fool.
Thank you Patricia for offering to share your room with me. Ironically, it is the person with a small room who is not from selangor that offers to share that little space of hers with me. Not forgetting she is the kind of person who needs her alone time. In the beginning, I offered you nothing but bitchiness and in the end, you return me with kindness. I guess I have to eat a large helping of humble pie. You are God's blessing to me in disguise. A friend I would want to keep.
True. It isn't that big and issue. Parents moved. Sister went to study abroad. Its okay. Friends are here. Cousins are here. I have a boyfriend. Yes, I have sufficient people who love and care about me in my life. So what am I doing here, complaining like a mad woman about the ridiculously irrelevant "misery" I have in my life. Fine. I like self-pity. Don't judge. I have so many people I should thank God for. What I don't have right now, is a home. I live like a nomad. Wait. That's wrong. I am a freakin' nomad; dammit. All I want is to feel like I belong some where. When everyone retires from their social life and returns to their home, I am jealous. I am crazy-throw-a-fit kinda jealous. And that is hard to pull off. The rage, it's sometimes unbearable. But at the end of the day I realize that I had wasted a day being angry.
I'm insecure. A lot of decisions made in my life may flip at the wind of someone passing gas. *made no sense and I don't care* Every step in my life is a constant struggle because of the fear of making the wrong decision and ending up even more screwed up. I don't like cleaning up messes. Especially ones I make. For people who have seen my room, you know what I mean when I say I don't like cleaning messes. At this point, I don't know if I'll have a place to stay at the end of the month.
Sorry. When a girl needs to rant, she just has to. Plus, I felt like writing. It has been too long and my writing skills were rotting so fast it had mold on it. I have my self-pity moments and I want no judgement from this. I know writing this may cause some misunderstandings in my relationships but I just needed to get it off my chest so I might as well tell the entire world like a fool.
Thank you Patricia for offering to share your room with me. Ironically, it is the person with a small room who is not from selangor that offers to share that little space of hers with me. Not forgetting she is the kind of person who needs her alone time. In the beginning, I offered you nothing but bitchiness and in the end, you return me with kindness. I guess I have to eat a large helping of humble pie. You are God's blessing to me in disguise. A friend I would want to keep.
Grumpy is going to bed now.
